The Politics of Love

Heartbreaker your time has come -- can't take your evil ways. Plus, paradise lost, and don't be that guy.

Dear Jackie-Oh!, About a year ago, I received a surprise long-distance phone call from a girl I had dated over five years before. She told me she was engaged, but if there were even a chance that we would get back together, she would call off the marriage. While encouraging her to break it off for her own sake, I politely said no. Since then, she has married, and I have continued to date, including two potentially serious relationships that I ended abruptly
when I realized the women were falling in love. I now find myself described in a frighteningly large circle as “a player" (which I think is unfair since I enjoy dating for its own sake, and not for the purpose of sex) and “a heartbreaker” (which I guess is fair, but really bums me out since I want to make people feel better about themselves, not worse). Should I keep dating, or should I spare a few of these hearts by staying at home and adopting a lifestyle of reality shows and The Sims? -- Concerned, Shaw

Dear Concerned,

Wow, your commitment to heal the District's poor, ailing women is remarkable. What a sacrifice it must be to spend time with these women, "make them feel better about themselves," and then find that, dammit, they're in love… again. Sigh.

Who are you kidding? Yourself, that's who. Hate to break it to you, but you aren't irresistible. Nor are you actually "bummed out" that these women fall for you. You have established that this is a pattern. The common denominator? You. Perhaps subconsciously, you're sending serious signals to these women. You likely encourage them to lean on you for support, given your tendency to view yourself as a miracle cure. When you tell a woman she can share personal information with you, call you when she's down, sleep over when she's lonely, of course she's going to develop an attachment to you. That's what a relationship is.

You're getting something out of this, too. Her dependence makes you feel important, needed, like a manly man. You have all the power, which is exactly how you want it. Or how you think you want it, anyway. In reality, you lose respect for these women the minute they rely on you. You don't really want to be the rock, and you don't want a needy woman on your hands. So you cut her loose. And thus, the cycle continues.

When you grow more confident in yourself and what you have to offer --beyond just a shoulder to cry on -- you'll stop feeding crippled birds and drop-kicking them out of the nest, and start seeking someone who could fly way before your hot air blew up her skirt.

Dear Jackie-Oh!,

Several months ago, I met a very cool woman. I don't usually talks to strangers in bars, but something about her intrigued me. My friends eventually left, and we stayed to chat about life in general. Then I gave her a ride home. I thought we had hit it off, and maybe we could hang out again. But when I asked for her number, she didn't seem so interested anymore. Reluctantly (it seemed), she gave me her number, told me about an upcoming event, and said maybe she'd see me there. I didn't go, nor have I called. Mostly because I thought she just wasn't interested and was merely being nice. Now, here's my dilemma. The number is still in my cell phone. Did I lose my shot?

--Underrated, Silver Spring

Dear Underrated,

Several months ago? I don't even remember what I ate for dinner two days ago. Even if you made an impression back then, life moves quickly in this town. She could be married by now, for all you know. In the future, consider that an event is a great way to get to know someone without committing to an entire evening. The mix of people diffuses potentially awkward silences, and you can see how the person interacts in a more natural, social setting. Surely you've watched Blind Date? Most people hate first dates. But I guess you'll never know if she's one of them.

Dear Jackie-Oh!,

So... umm... wanna make out?

--Admirer, Georgetown

Dear Admirer,

No.

Screw up your life or someone else's? Email JackieOh@cultureflux.com.

Other than a subscription to Psychology Today, columnist Jackie-Oh! has no legal license or valid credentials to dispense advice. But she has a lot of opinions, and she says she's always right. So we took her word for it. Plus, she scares us.