The Politics of Love

Half-assed dates, relative obligations, and the cheap thrill of shacking up.

Dear Big Spender,

No!

This is your third date. You're at a pivotal point in the relationship. Like it or not, everything you say and do suggests something about your personality, and coupons scream: "Cheap!" (and "lame," in my opinion).

"Come on, Jackie," you say. "Coupons say, 'resourceful.' At least we can share a good dinner together. Why should it matter if I pay the full amount or half?" Because you're demonstrating your level of interest in her, that's why. If you want to throw an 'I care 50%' card on the table, go for it. But the idea, in the early stages, is to
impress her (and vice versa), not to half-ass wine and
dine her. Save the coupon (and the restaurant, if you can't afford it) for later.

A few months into the relationship, mention you scored a 2-for-1, and she'll be stoked you can finally check out the new place. Coupons are fair game after she's convinced you're worth her time. But not on Date No. 3.

Dear Jackie-Oh!,

I've always lived close to home, but I'm graduating from arts school in a few months, and I have an incredible opportunity halfway across the country. The problem is that my parents are getting much older, and my mom has had several serious health problems recently. I'm an only child, and I feel it would be inappropriate to abandon them. I'm really all they have. They plan to stay here for the rest of their lives, though, and in an ideal world, I'd live elsewhere. But it seems selfish and wrong for me to leave.

-- Family Values, Chevy Chase

Dear Family Values,

As much as your parents love having you around, they'll love watching you succeed more. How do I know that? Because they're parents, and a parent couldn't ask for more than happy and successful children.

When you were born, Mom and Dad wanted you to have every possible opportunity -- to be able to do anything you wanted to do. And even though things have become more complicated, their fundamental feelings haven't.

Remember, too, that you're only human. If you turn down an incredible opportunity out of a sense of obligation to the 'rents, you'll likely always wonder, "What if…." And, as much as you try to fight it, that may make you resent Ma and Pa.

Your parents have led full lives, and they have worked hard to give you everything you need. It's not selfish to pursue the talents they have enabled you to develop. And it would be a shame to put your life on hold because their lives have slowed down. Your life will eventually slow down, too, but now's the time to take advantage of the momentum and opportunity that youth affords you.

"Abandon" isn't the right word. I prefer "independence," "growth," and "ambition." You're clearly very loving and attentive, and that won't change if you're a plane ticket and long-distance call away. Make sure your parents have the resources they need to lead healthy lives here, including a social network -- friends that can check in on them if needed and activities to keep them active. And, of course, call and visit as often as possible. But to waste the talents they've cultivated in you out of a sense of guilt or obligation -- that, Family Values, would be "abandonment."

Dear Jackie-Oh!,

My girlfriend and I, both writers, have been dating for over a year. We spend most of our free time together, which means her apartment is empty more times than not. Since we're both financially strapped, we're considering moving in together. Why pay for two apartments when we're always at my place? We'd each save over $500 a month! A few of my friends have suggested that it's not worth the potential disaster if things don't work out. I say, worst-case scenario: We break up eventually, and one of us moves back out. Then we're just back where we started -- no big deal. What do you think?

-- United, U St.

Oh, U!

Let's think this through. Jane moves in and you enjoy making chicken stir-fry and tacos together. You wake up with her every morning, watch TV in your PJs, and sip café lattes on the futon. You know you're saving hundreds, so you splurge on a romantic dinner at Firefly once in a while. Life is grand.

Then the bills come. Have you discussed how you're handling finances? What about stuff you both want for the apartment, like a new TV -- do you split the bill? And who gets that bad boy when, er, if you break up? What if you piss her off, and she moves out and leaves you with the remaining months of financing on that spiffy new Bose Acoustic Wave? You're screwed, that's what, because you have no legal protection as a 'boyfriend.' Some serious financial considerations go unrealized by many couples before they decide to save themselves 500 bucks and a cold walk home in the morning.

Not to mention the space factor. Four months into it, you're going to the library to write because you don't feel like being interrupted to pick up your "goddamn dirty socks" (again!). You wish you could just wake up, walk to the bathroom buck-naked, leave the toilet seat up, and eat cold pizza without seeing or talking to anyone. Sure, you still love Jane. But you love your alone time, too. And you miss looking forward to spending time with her, not spending time without her.

So, is it worth it? You decide. I've presented a few of the challenges, but couples easily overcome them all the time. My personal feeling is that unless you're planning a future together, spare yourself the potential financial complications and emotional frustration.

Yeah, $500 a month is a lot of dough, but breaking up, moving out, and spending several weekends dividing your CD collections and kitchen spices is a lot of heartache.

Screw up your life or someone else's? Email JackieOh@cultureflux.com.

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Other than a subscription to Psychology Today, columnist Jackie-Oh! has no legal license or valid credentials to dispense advice. But she has a lot of opinions, and she says she's always right. So we took her word for it. Plus, she scares us.