The Politics of Love

Short-short men, the rebound factor, shaking up your sex life, and problem pussies. Warning: This one's not for virgin ears!

Dear Jackie-Oh!,

I recently started seeing a man who, mere weeks ago, exited a two-year relationship. One word comes to mind: rebound. How do I know he's not just using me to get over his ex? Should I give the guy time to recoup? How do I avoid being 'rebound girl'?
-- Point Guard, Ballston

Dear Point Guard,

Of course he's (subconsciously) using you to get over his ex. Who would give up a distraction in favor of wallowing in self-pity? But you know what? It's not such a bad thing. You're using him, too.

We're all using each other when you think about it. You want companionship, romance, sex, love, good meals, free Sunday HBO at his place -- something out of this, right? If he had been girlfriend-less for two years, you'd wonder if he's using you for a warm body.

"Using" has a negative connotation, but it just means that you're getting something you want from another person. You're a distraction from the ex, yes, but you may turn out to be much more than that. He's at least using you for fun, sex, and conversation. It's no different than any other dating situation. In the end, dating always comes down to this: Either you're right for each other or you're not. If you hit it off, you hit it off -- ex baggage notwithstanding.

I don't believe in rebound relationships. Eventually, he's going to kick you to the curb if you aren't "right" for him, or vice versa -- ex or no. Why go through the motions of "giving him time" and "taking it slow" -- that's so contrived. I say let 'er rip. Given time, you may decide he's not what you want. Why waste several months waiting to find out if he's worth it? Plus, if you wait around, you'll miss the entire season of The Sopranos.

I've been seeing this great girl for a while now, and we appear to be compatible in most every way -- except one. Her cat hates me. And we're not talking about the typical snotty, disinterested feline behavior, here. Mittens scratches and bites, and it’s totally unprovoked (and often at the most inconvenient times). Complicating matters, I'm also allergic to the bugger -- runny nose, difficulty breathing -- but I'm hoping a quick trip to my allergist solves that problem. How do you suggest we resolve this conflict between me and my girl's predatory pussy?
-- Scratched and Sniffling, Winchester, VA

Dear Scratched,

Pets are actually a common source of tension between couples, probably because they’re often a tester -- a practice run -- for later bundles of joy. And this cat sounds like a real problem child. Significant others also frequently report feeling jealous of pets, since pet owners often shower animals with endless affection and praise. When’s the last time someone treated you as well as her dog?!

In this case, it sounds like the cat is jealous of you! If Mr. Claws only attacks you, especially when you’re paying a lot of attention to its mother, it probably realizes that mom’s attention has been diverted by something more interesting. Animals often sense things even humans cannot, and I bet the puddy-tat’s pissed its mom has become enamored with someone else.

What should you do about it? First of all, going to the allergist indicates your feelings are more than fleeting for this girl. And it shows you’re willing to take measures to ameliorate this situation. Now it’s her turn. What has she done to solve this problem? Has she called her vet -- the equivalent of you calling your allergist? Does she punish the cat when it acts up? Does she realize how much this bothers you?

In the end, we’re talking about an animal, here. Short of putting the damn thing down, she can’t curb these attacks immediately. Perhaps you two need to get out more. Or hang at your place. Let her deal with the long-term solution, and avoid fangs like the plague until you feel she has the situation under control.

If she cares about you, she’ll work to make sure the time you spend with her and her pussy is enjoyable and satisfying for everyone involved.

Dear Jackie-Oh!,

I’ve started seeing this guy who is really great -- smart, attractive, nice. We dated for three weeks before I saw him completely naked, and then I freaked. This guy could be the poster child for pencil dicks everywhere. I’ve never been a size queen before (in fact, they’re usually too big!), but this situation is so bad I’ve had to hold myself back from asking, “Is it in yet?” Do you think I should stick this out, or should I kick Mr. Teeny Weeny to the curb?
-- Less Than a Mouthful, Bethesda

Dear Less Than,

Well, we’ve established that the only prick in this situation is you. Buy a vibrator. The real question is, should he stick with you?

Screw up your life or someone else's? Email JackieOh@cultureflux.com.

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Other than a subscription to Psychology Today, columnist Jackie-Oh! has no legal license or valid credentials to dispense advice. But she has a lot of opinions, and she says she's always right. So we took her word for it. Plus, she scares us.