Why men and women swoon for these dorks-gone-chic.

By Michael Hamilton

I see them everywhere. The street, the Metro, the Eastern Market flea , U Street vintage shops, and bars and clubs from Georgetown to Alexandria, Dupont to 14th Street. They often look slightly dirty but they almost always smell great. And they are driving me wild.

At a party on a recent Saturday night, I happened to mention my long-standing and intense lust for men who embody elements of dorkiness mitigated by just enough alternative style to make them a uniquely tasty hybrid: the Adorkable Boy.

In no time, I was surrounded by people who share (some more secretly than others) my fetish. I had tapped into the zeitgeist and felt I should do some further exploration. Rather than run on about what I think defines the phenomenon, I have called upon some of my closest friends (all known to be experts in the identification and occasional bedding of Adorkable Boys) to share their thoughts on our favorite subculture.

Mark Ferguson, a 29-year-old marketing executive, underscores the importance of understanding the Adorkable Boy’s origin and how he developed out of an earlier tradition of dorkdom.

As the pure dork grows into adulthood, he typically continues familiar patterns: collecting vintage computer monitors, sporting a decade-old Ren & Stimpy T-shirt, and waving madly at news cameras while wearing a custom-made costume at the Lord of the Rings and/or Star Wars and/or Star Trek premiere. The pure dork, however, occasionally develops the anomaly of personal style. By way of a cross-pollination process not fully understood by science, the Adorkable Boy incorporates Bedhead, Urban Outfitters, and Apple into his lexicon. With strategically spiked hair, Alain Mikli glasses, and an i-Pod in his Diesel jeans pocket, this hipper hybrid may represent the future of geekdom.

It bears mentioning that Bill Gates is not Adorkable. He and his multibillionaire counterparts are Power Dorks -- garden-variety dorks who have used their technical skill and business acumen to amass huge fortunes, perhaps as a means of compensating for their complete lack of sex appeal. Adorkable Boys may become powerful, but Power Dorks are never Adorkable.

However, Genevieve Compton, a 31-year-old writer and director, is quick to defend the less evident charms of dorks, both regular and Power. “I always go for dorky guys. But not dorky chic. Just plain ol’ dorky with dorky hangups. They go for me because of my tits, and I go for them because they haven’t been laid in so long, it’s all new for them. And they tend to be pretty freaky in the sack.”

“I have a theory about Dorky Chic,” she continues. “I think that the dot-com years made dorks cool. They got rich, and then they got pussy. The dorky non-rich guys just benefited from the boom. They didn’t have to be rich, and they still got the pussy because perhaps they might get rich someday. I wonder if that will change now that everyone is poor.”

“My love of dorks goes much deeper,” Genevieve says. “I speak fluent geek, and I can carry on long conversations about stupid shit, like Monty Python, Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, computers and electronic equipment. I’ll be honest -- my love for dorks comes from the fact that, deep down inside, I am a dork, too.”

Heartening news for plain and Power dorks everywhere.

But I wanted to hear more about the elements of Adorkable style. I turned to two gals who have done as much field research on the subject as Margaret Mead on the naked tribesmen.

Amanda Philips-Martinez, 27, a graduate student married to an international Adorkable boy (he’s Mexican), says:

I first think of places like the Black Cat and Metro: smoky bars full of voluptuous girls with short, blunt bangs and too-tight, too-short vintage dresses, hanging onto skinny boys in ’50s chunky frame glasses and old Western shirts with pearlized buttons worn so tight so you can see their wrists and ribs sticking out. They finish it off with cords and clunky shoes. Probably work in computers, but at a cool ’puter place like red hat. They play handball at the public court or go hit golf balls at the driving range with their frat boy best friends from high school. Yummy. I’m starting to salivate!

Becky Browning, 28, ornithologist and bassist for the band Rocket Fire Red, adds:

Their apartments are usually a combination of hand-me-downs from mom and stuff from the curb, peppered with the occasional piece from Ikea. They have normal day jobs, but have some wacky sort of hidden hobbies like extreme sports, music (a must), kickboxing -- something like that. They drink Yuengling beer. And usually, they are good cooks. Besides being cute by being ‘different,’ they usually seem sensitive and down-to-earth. Approachable. I just started seeing my own dork boy I met through the Internet (Match.com). His name is Jim, and he is way handsome. Looks like Clark Kent, no lie.

Lucky her.

So it seems that one can’t just don the trappings of Dorky Chic and be accepted as the real deal. It’s a combination of background, temperament, natural aptitude, and awareness that creates the authentic Adorkable boy.

I can put hand lotion in my hair and cultivate a collection of obscure Icelandic music. I can wear tight T-shirts from Japan and thump a bass in a garage band. I can become a fixture at Brit-pop nights with names like Bliss, Panic, Confusion, Disorientation, Dystopia, and Psoriasis. But my roots will show. As I write this, I realize what the true connoisseur knows inherently. It is not my lot to emulate, only to appreciate, admire, and covet.

The Adorkable Checklist

1. Hair carefully mussed using hand lotion, toothpaste, or something bought at Blue Mercury for $50 on a tip from Maxim magazine.
2. Chunky frame glasses, possibly vintage from Millennium. However it’s permissible for busy gay Adorkable Boys (GABs) to pay $700 for faux vintage at Georgetown Optical.
3. Tight T-shirt bought on trip to Japan to see friend in JET Program (or just bought for $40 at Kaur). Slogan usually translates to something like “Happy Kitty Run Run” or “Clean Toilet, Fine Life.”
4. Half-smudged hand stamp from night before to prove existence of social life.
5. Finger calluses (especially on straight Adorkable boys) from guitar-picking habit (or excessive Xbox activity). GABS also get finger calluses, but I’m not supposed to tell you why.
6. Belt with LARGE buckle.
7. Baggy work pants purchased at Goodwill. GABs often purchase low-rise, strategically faded jeans for $150 at Diesel. Most straight Adorkable boys (SABs) are too disoriented by the Diesel store to shop there without aid from a girlfriend.
8. Chunky and/or ironic shoes (can be authentic combat or work boots, or designer version of such, i.e., Doc Martens, Kenneth Cole, or the quasi bowling/quasi gym shoes from Steve Madden that one would have been beaten silly for wearing in high school).

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A son of the South, Michael Hamilton loves three things: eating pork, talking about people behind their backs, and drinking “Co-cola” with boiled peanuts. He’s also working on a book of essays he refuses to show anyone.