The Politics of Love

Cheap dates, e-losers, and sex-speak: Jackie-Oh! tackles your crisis-du-jour.

Dear Jackie-Oh!,

I'm really interested in a woman, but unfortunately, I don't make enough money to take her out. I managed to afford a nice dinner for the first date, and I think things went well. But I'm spent, and I don't want her to think I'm not interested. I'd like to keep seeing her, but I just can't afford it. Grilled cheese sandwiches at my group house aren't going to cut it. What's a starving, single artist to do?

--Tear in My Beer, Adams Morgan

Dear Beer o' Tears

Dating can be both financially and emotionally draining. Trying to impress through hours of food, drink, and wit eventually leaves you tapped. But you're creative, so hell, be creative!

Sure, women generally like to be wined and dined, but not all people live that way. You don't. You made the choice to sacrifice a higher income in pursuit of your talent. And chances are, that's a big part of the reason this woman likes you. Why raise the financial bar and convey that you're something you're not. There's something incredibly romantic about the starving artist, so use poverty to your advantage.

A few ideas to get you started: Find a gallery with no cover charge. Rent a few classic movies and share a bottle of wine (or two) over hummus and pita. Cook dinner together -- she can bring veggies and you supply the meat (no double-entendre intended). Pack a picnic and head to your favorite park.

If this is going to work out, she needs to be satisfied with creative and affordable activities. And unless she's a shallow bitch, she will be!

Dear Jackie-Oh!,

I had three wonderful dates -- I'm talking sparks. Hand-holding, cooing, kissing, the whole bit. Right before the fourth date, he bags over IM because he's "tired." I hear nothing for four more days, and then I receive an email apologizing and asking me out to a fancy dinner.

I'm met with a distant and unaffectionate date. At the end of the evening (10:45 on a Saturday night!), I push him for information -- what gives? He tells me he is 'taking this more casually' than I am. I tell him that's all I need to hear and I'll see him later, with a hug and peck on the cheek.

I've heard nothing in a week. Did he meet someone else? Did I doom myself because I didn't put out by the third date? Should I move on or take my chances and get in touch with him?

-- Left in the Lurch, Alexandria

Dear Lurch,

Salvage your dignity and move on. He's not interested. But no worries -- he's a loser. Your first clue: canceling a date over IM. Your second: asking you out again over email. Uh, hello? This isn't 7th grade. Will you go with me? Circle: Yes/No. If he doesn't even have the balls to pick up the phone, your Saturday is better spent in sweat pants.

What's his problem? Well, we've already established he has communication issues. Maybe he met someone else, in which case he's letting you down easy. Maybe he sensed a relationship vibe from you and freaked out. Pushing a guy into a "talk" on the fourth date is the dating equivalent of adding a baby to a sit-com: Seal of death.

In the end, it doesn't matter. Sounds like InternetBoy64 saved you time and grief before you got too attached. Block his screen name, and hold out for someone who understands that "connection" doesn't refer to dial-up and DSL.

Dear Jackie-Oh!,

My gay friend frequently insists upon telling me the details of his sex life. I have no problem with his sexual preference. I do have a problem with sexually explicit conversations covering such things as cock rings and some sort of plugs [cringe]. I'm even blushing as I write this. The thing is, my friend didn't talk this way until he came out of the closet. What's the deal, and how can I get him to, well, put a plug in it?

--Talk-block, Mt. Pleasant

Dear Talk-block,

Eh-hem. Unless you're engaging in said sex acts with the person speaking, I think it's safe to say that you don't want to talk about those acts in great detail with him or her.

Regardless of sexual orientation, some people have a higher threshold for sex talk than others. Perhaps this sort of conversation is fair game among his friends. And perhaps he only met these friends after coming out, thus explaining his recent comfort level with sex talk. Or, it's possible that after making the liberating choice to reveal his sexual orientation to the world, he felt free enough to talk about everything involving sex to the world.

Regardless, it's tacky. Sounds like he's suffering from a case social ineptitude, because most people would notice your nose scrunching into a tiny ball at the mention of butt plugs and hummers. He should be more sensitive to your reactions.

Since he has no problem telling you how it is (and how good it is), speak up and tell him that you really don't want to hear about it. Tell him you're thrilled that he's enjoying his sex life, and that you don't mind discussing his hook-ups and romances, but that certain things make you uncomfortable. Certain things meaning explicit sex acts. Hell, tell him you're a prude, but that's just the way it is.

He'll secretly decide that you're sexually repressed and feel sorry for you, but he'll shut up about the extent to which Longitude is improving the depth of his relationship.

Screw up your life or someone else's? Email JackieOh@cultureflux.com.

Other than a subscription to Psychology Today, columnist Jackie-Oh! has no legal license or valid credentials to dispense advice. But she has a lot of opinions, and she says she's always right. So we took her word for it. Plus, she scares us.