Only two things convince me that a city has reached the highest echelons of civilization: the quantity and quality of 1) its brunches and 2) its drag queens. Brunch is every other meal’s glamorous and slightly jaded older cousin. Brunch arrives fashionably late to the breakfast table, shamelessly drinks champagne before her coffee, and requests a combination of food that no respectable diner would put together on one plate. And then she has dessert.

Brunch is luscious. Decadent. You want Brunch. Don’t be ashamed; everyone does.

And everyone wants Drag Queens...or wants to be one. And I do mean everyone. Because, in one of the world’s most delicious ironies, drag queens are the ultimate in macho cool. Let’s be honest, it takes more than the average balls to dress up as if you don’t have any. Plus, glamour makes the rest of us tired; it’s work. For a drag queen, glamour means Work It! And lord help you if you’re tired, girl.

Now, just imagine putting both together in one room. Brunch and drag queens. Relaxation and tolerance. Sumptuousness and sass. Haute cuisine and hot couture. True proof of an evolved society. Surely no human could resist such a delectable combination, right? Well, after going to two of DC’s best advertised drag brunches, I found out it depends.

Comparing the two dine-with-divas brunch events held at Club Chaos and Perry’s on paper beforehand, it would seem as if Chaos would be at least as popular, if not more so than its camp competitor. While Perry’s drag brunch is an all-you-can eat buffet, it's not exactly cheap at $22.95 per person -- and that doesn’t include drinks (and when I say drinks, I’m talking anything liquid) -- and, though I was told by the maitre d’ ahead of time that there were often long waits, Perry’s doesn’t allow advance reservations. Chaos’ drag brunch, on the other hand, is à la carte, with menu items ranging from $5 to $10, includes a drink special with most dishes, and accepts reservations. It would seem that Chaos would be the clear crowd-pleaser.

So it was surprising and a little disconcerting to walk into Chaos' Hollywood Drag Brunch at a standard brunch hour (1 p.m.), and find the place primed for a party -- decked out in bright tropical colors and pumping out “It’s Raining Men” -- with only two diners in the entire restaurant. It was also disconcerting to hear the maitre d’s response when I told him I would wait for the rest of my party: “Well, do you have a reservation?” I did, but certainly, considering the emptiness of the place, there was no reason for concern. Did he plan to turn us away if we hadn’t had one? Very odd.

Aside from that, interaction with the staff was reasonably pleasant. Our waiter was friendly and casual, and when one of our party let slip that we were there to profile the place for an article, he said, a little embarrassed, that it had been more crowded earlier. He also told us we hadn’t come on the best day, as one of their main performers, Simone Blue, was out and we would have a substitute.

Despite the absent Miss Blue, the ladies who were present all looked just fine by drag queen standards. At repeating intervals during our meal, each of them would do a number, rotating through the tables and lip-synching to a variety of songs. The musical repertoire was a little heavy on those standard diva ballad-remixes (hello Whitney!), but also included smatterings of Abba, Aretha, and even Bette doing the Andrews Sisters. Between each set, the ladies would disappear and change into different outfits and come back to provide more lip service for the audience.

Some of the outfits were more successful than others; a few had some Vegas-style drama and glitter to them, others were more sleek and sophisticated but occasionally bordered on the plain. The performers did a reasonably good job, though the day's substitute diva appeared not to know all the words to at least one of her songs, and at times the energy level of the performances wasn’t particularly high. But to give the ladies credit, they were performing on one of the hottest days of the year to a room that wasn't even half full.

One feature I could have lived without, though, were the attempts to chat with the audience. It often came off as hokey and annoying. While I didn't mind having the ladies come over to the table as they were "singing" and play up to us, there's something a little too Catskills about having a performer approach diners with a microphone, ask them questions, and make yuk-yuk jokes based on the answers. But then, I've never been a big fan of audience participatory theatre, especially when you've just taken a bite of Spanish omelet.

The food was well prepared and the presentation was good. The western omelet was delicious, the eggs well done, but not over-cooked, and stuffed high with cheese, ham, and sautéed peppers. The chef even managed to make the "bingo platter"-- a basic dish of two eggs, bacon, sausage, and ham -- look not only appetizing but attractive. The only disappointment was the stuffed French toast. Though the plate was piled generously and looked great, the so-called "spicy fruit filling" turned out to be too pungent and sweet.

The benefit of Perry's brunch approach over Chaos' à la carte menu, of course, is that if you don't like one thing on your plate, there are dozens of other things to have instead. But truth be told, it was hard to find something not to like at this pricey but plentiful brunch buffet.

In fact, it was hard to find something not to like about the whole experience.

At Perry's drag brunch, everything is over the top: the drag queen costumes, the music volume, the huge brunch spread, even the wait for a table. We arrived at 12:30 and the place was packed. A woman waiting by the entrance told me her party had been waiting for over an hour to be seated. All those in line for tables are encouraged to wait at the bar, which was also packed. For those of you watching your wallets, watch out for the bar. You will inevitably want to order something, and before you know it, you’ll have a tab even before you sit down. To Perry's credit, they don't exclude the people waiting at the bar from the drag show. When the drag queens work the floor, they also strut down the bar area.

And when I say work the floor, these ladies really work the floor. Unlike their counterparts at Chaos, these divas had enough of an audience to fuel their energy and then some. The performers flirted shamelessly with customers of all genders (male, female, and undetermined), happily struck dozens of poses for the photo-op crazed customers, and constantly kept the audience happy with numbers from Donna Summer to Judy Garland to the Eurythmics -- and of course, more Whitney.

Their costumes were pure flash and glitter, their hair was high, and their attitude was firmly in place. They were adorable, and they knew it, and the audience loved them for it -- including straight men, who (except for one party pooper at the bar who ran away) ate up the flirtation wholeheartedly, even kissing the ladies on occasion. The atmosphere was gay-friendly, straight-friendly, multi-ethnic friendly, oddball-friendly, vanilla-friendly...everyone-friendly.

The buffet selection was equally delightful, though I dare anyone to eat everything that was offered and still come back for more. Selections ran from standard scrambled eggs and Belgian waffles to items such as steamed mussels, sushi, soups, cold salads and pastas, roast pork, smoked salmon, fresh fruit, and an array of desserts, including cheesecakes and mini ramekins of crème brulee. One warning: the brunch officially ends at 3 p.m., but if you want to truly experience the menu and see a good number of performances, get there much earlier than that. By 1:30, some food items had disappeared and the performances ended shortly after 2:00.

The only two things that marred an almost nirvana-like drag-and-brunch experience were the fresh shrimp -- which were coated in Old Bay-type spices but had been left unshelled, making it extremely messy -- and our slow and negligent waiter, who took eons to bring napkins and other small items like refills on coffee. Another thing that might affect the budget-conscious is that, at both brunches, diners tip the drag queens during performances. This is not required, but you may feel pressured to tip, even if you don't have the funds to do so.

That aside, when judging both events, I'd have to say that Perry's is the clear winner of the drag brunch tiara. But who knows, with a little more attention from the public, Chaos might eventually tie with Perry's for the same title. And then we'll see both walking down the runway together, smiling side by side. But they'd probably still be muttering "bitch" at each other under their breath.

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Deborah Ackerman is a writer and editor who suddenly realizes that not one of her boyfriends has ever had enough sequins in his wardrobe.