Dry, Dry, Dry
By Tyler Green

Want a good martini? Pay for it.

The quest for DC's best martini is a noble quest indeed. I don't particularly know why, I just think it is. It is this surety that has enabled me to cast my credit card far and wide (well, within the boundaries of the Potomac and Western and Eastern Avenues, anyway) in pursuit of DC's most perfect martini.

But before I can tell you who has the best martini in town, I should first tell you what makes a great martini. Here is what I require:

• The best vodka. This means Grey Goose, and I don't mean the flavored junk. If a bar doesn't have Grey Goose, it's out of the running. Friends used to call me an elitist snob who wanted only liked Grey Goose because it's the most expensive stuff. Then they tried a sip of a Grey Goose martini. Now they just call me an elitist snob. Ketel One is fine for vodka rocks. Belvedere too. But they're not martini quality.

• Memo to bartenders: You gotta shake the martini. Thanks to 007, no one stirs martinis anymore. However, many bartenders in our fair city pour the vodka onto ice and just let it sit there while they go make other drinks. This results in a lukewarm, runny martini. No tip for you. A well-shaken martini pours with some slivers of ice floating on the top. Some martini drinkers don't like the slivers, I do. It keeps the drink cold without watering it down.

• It's got to be dry. When I order a martini, I ask for it, "dry, dry, dry." If the bartender looks particularly dim or uninterested, I supplement that exhortation by making a face that I hope indicates that I want my martini to be dry, dry, dry. (If you'd like to try this at your favorite bar, try to look something like an inbred, constipated Brit.) For you martini novices, this means that vermouth should barely enter the martini glass. The best bartenders pour a dollop of vermouth into the glass, swirl it around and then pour it out. Perfect.

• It should be served in a chilled glass. I thought it unnecessary to mention this until I sat on the roof of The Reef on 18th Street last week. They served me a martini in - gasp - a plastic cup. This is the alcohol equivalent of putting a Corvette engine in a Geo Metro body, of putting a B&B Italia couch in Tryst. I'm never going back to The Reef. (Perhaps my taking this breech so seriously indicates that maybe I should drink fewer martinis).

• Three olives. Chicks dig the olives. Don't know what I mean? Order a martini with three olives and have fun playfully feeding them to the babes at your table. This said, a fine martini can be ruined by over-salty olives.

• A martini is an urban drink. Don't flirt with poor quality by ordering a martini in the suburbs. I'm sure that bars out there pour a mean Bud Light.

• Simplest rule of all: Never order a martini in an Irish bar. I love Nanny's. I even like Fado. But I'd never, ever order a martini there.

So without any further ado, on to the best martinis in town. Before you start griping, yes they're all from places that charge $10-ish for a martini. That's because they serve monstrous drinks. This is a good thing, not a bad thing. Quit yer bitchin' and pony up.

The Blue Room (2321 18th St. NW)

As packed as this place gets on Saturdays, they still find time to lovingly make a perfect martini. Respect that. Big bonus points for not even offering those goofy sour apple martinis or any other wanna-be martini that has nothing to do with pure, classic martini-ness.

Bar Rouge (1315 16th St., NW) and Topaz (1733 N St., NW)

This counts as one bar because it's basically the same bar in two different places. Massive martinis. Fine olives. Rouge especially is a drinker's bar dressed up to look like something more. Negative points for offering those goofy sour apple martinis and other wanna-be martinis that have nothing to do with pure, classic martini-ness.

Honorable mentions
(These are bars that make smaller, but quite good martinis.)

Aroma (3417 Connecticut Ave., NW)

Under $6. With Grey Goose. 'Nuff said.

District Chophouse and Brewery (509 Seventh St., NW)

Hey, I'm just as surprised as you. Skip the often mediocre beers and have a martini with your burger.

Any old critic can tell you the best martinis in town. I will now share with you my nominee for the worst martini in town: Bistro du Coin. It's so tiny you'd barely know it was there. The glass is not chilled. The taste is watery. Ick.

Go with the $10 drinks. They're worth it.

Illustrations by Cynthia Fowler